QA199 QUESTION: I recently realized something I’ve known intellectually for quite a while but never really experienced, which is an incredibly strong commitment, in a childish way, with my mother. I now see how completely unwilling I am, on a deep level, to do anything to change the commitment.
ANSWER: You really furnish the key when you just said you did not even know to what extent you were still clinging to and not letting go of your mother. Now, it is quite logical and quite obvious that you cannot give up a state that you are not even aware of. It is therefore of such utmost importance that you really now enter into this state, expressing fully how you want your mother to love you, to take care of you, what you wish to avoid by doing so, the pain of not having it, the inconveniences of reality.
All of that has to be very freely expressed and experienced in your work situation, in group and individual and physical work. Only as you do so, can you then also in the individual work, follow through the connections. What is the price you pay for clinging to this? Once you’re fully conscious how you cling to it, what do you do in order to avoid giving up your mother?
Once you are aware of what your price is, then you will be motivated to formulate the intention of giving it up. Because then you will know that there are more gratifying ways of living, and that this is the least gratifying and the most frustrating.
You find yourself in a vicious circle in which the more you cling to this desire, the more frustrated you become. And the more frustrated you become, the greater the original pain becomes that you now inflict upon yourself due to clinging to this. The more painfully frustrated you are, the less you want to give up your mother, because you think that is the only solution.
You will then find that the solution comes from your own willingness to give to life. But these are the stages to work through, fully seeing and accepting your insistence on your mother, and then seeing how this causes you frustration and what the pain and the price are.