QA201 QUESTION: I have come to the point where I feel I’m on the brink of a change, and I realize that this change is dependent on my opening up my memory of my father. For all of my life since his death, I kept that part very closed up. I’ve not been able to remember how he looked or being with him, and it’s a very strong block. I’ve been able to penetrate it a little bit, but not nearly enough to open up the softness in me.
I have looked for what I gain from keeping it closed, the negative intentionality. And I have been able to get into contact with my hate for men and my enjoyment of making unlimited demands that I know cannot be answered, and in that way punishing the man and counting on him feeling inferior. I have also come in contact with the fact that a lot of my keeping this memory locked up is a question of pride. I’d like to understand this a little bit more.
ANSWER: Yes, the pride, of course, is one aspect. The other aspect, very closely related to the pride, is shame – shame that arises out of certain misconceptions that are deeply embedded in the soul substance, that have to do with believing your pain has been inflicted upon you as a result of your personal inadequacy and shamefulness – your shameful existence, as it were.
Now, perhaps you can ascertain this conclusion first and feel it. Your negative intentionality, your hate and resentment toward men, today, is always related to this idea, to this feeling, “I am not being loved because I am not deemed good enough or attractive enough or loveable enough.” This is a very important equation. Of course, it applies to many people, but it has a very strong impact upon you and locks your pain.
The moment you could feel your pain without an opinion attached to it, it would not have this devastating quality about it. But it is so devastating because you associate it with your personal worthlessness. Can you get in touch with that equation in you? {Yes}
This is exactly where your meditation has to come in. If you can very directly focus on that point by reorienting, reimpressing this aspect of your soul substance and directing it by saying, for example, “This belief is wrong; I believe such and such, and such and such.” And you just say the words, but this is a wrong assumption.
“I am loveable, I am a manifestation of the divine, I have infinite possibilities for creation and for creating in me. Whatever pain happened to me has nothing to do with what this aspect in me believes. And I would like to be free from this wrong equation, which governs my life and which compels me to reject and hate out of the defense so as not to appear worthless, be it even in my own eyes.”
Now face your belief, my child, that you deem yourself worthless. Because only when you face this belief in you, can you challenge this belief, can you question it, can you consider it wrong. As long as you turn away from it and do not know that this is what you believe, you can never correct it. So this is where your meditation should focus – that your pain, the original pain, has nothing to do with your intrinsic worthlessness.
When you correct this, you will then be capable to experience what the last lecture [Lecture #201 Demagnetizing Negative Force Fields – Pain of Guilt] dealt with, and that is the pain of your guilt. Then you will be strong enough to face it. But as long as you believe you are totally unredeemable, you cannot face your real justified guilt.
So the groundwork has to be established by knowing that you are a spiritual being, and that the misguided little negative ego is only a minor part of yourself. Then you can fully assume the responsibility for this minor part, without becoming submerged in self-rejection.
