QA211 QUESTION: I’m hopelessly torn between two states: one, wanting to grow, wanting to give, and wanting to become a woman. And the other, to keep that illusion that some day I’ll get what I want – I’ll be taken care of. I get caught between the two, where consciously my will says I have to go through the tunnel and feel the pain of being alone, and the other part says, “No, no.” I need some guidance.
ANSWER: At this particular time, I would suggest you need most to concentrate on the false feeling that you are humiliated if you give in to being vulnerable and to your feelings and to your flow. I would say that taking responsibility is perhaps the lesser problem for you.
There is a prideful, shameful misconception that being flowing and truly open to your feelings for a man is something shameful and degrading. You can meditate about the falsity of this, and then try to visualize another state in which you can truly allow the feeling of giving in, of being vulnerable, of loving and sexual openness. Discover with the spirit of adventure and curiosity whether you can detect in this state, a state of true feelings in a very different way than the prideful control position you usually take.
